Arizona releases new "Deport Your Neighbor" iPhone app

Phoenix, AZ -- Want to deport your neighbor? We have an app for that, says the state of Arizona, which today released the first-ever iPhone app that allows suspicious residents to sniff-out undocumented neighbors and deport them.

Conveniently named "Deport Your Neighbor", the app has the ability to summon state immigration agents to a property if it finds a 95% or more likelihood that its inhabitants are illegal immigrants.

To arrive at this magic number, the app starts out by asking the user to complete a questionnaire about his or her neighbor(s). The answers are processed and interpreted based on what is known about the habits and customs of illegal immigrants. If probable suspicion is found, the app proceeds to ask for an address and uses image-processing software, in conjunction with Google maps, to analyze pictures of the property and search for supporting evidence that illegal aliens live in the house.

Once immigration agents are summoned, they can use Arizona's newly approved "show me your papers" law to question the dwellers and determine if they need to be deported.

Thus far, the app has been downloaded 12,000 times from the Arizona Secretary of State website (www.azsos.com/dyn), and it's impact is already being felt throughout the state.

According to Phoenix news station KCRC, just an hour after its release, the app was used to deport a family of undocumented immigrants by Arizona resident Joe Wilkins, who downloaded the app and used it on his next-door neighbors.

Mr. Wilkins states that it took but the first question, "How many people live in the house?" and his answer, "17", for the app to instantaneously report a 90% likelihood that the neighbors were immigrants.

The app is said to have skipped the rest of the questions, choosing to go straight to step two of the identification process: tap into Google maps and inspect pictures of the property.

Based on satellite and street-view images that showed a driveway and front lawn filled with pickup trucks and cars (one of them primed), two poorly-constructed rooms (which were added as extensions to the back of the house), and what looked like an illegal satellite dish, the app raised the probability that the neighbors were undocumented to 95%.

With this "likelihood rate", Mr. Wilkins had enough information to summon authorities to the property, but he states that he chose to complete the questionnaire to see if he could improve the chances that his neighbors were illegal immigrants.

The second question asked him, "Do they have a party every weekend?" which Mr. Wilkins answered with a resounding "Yes". Based on that answer, the app reported a 100%, surefire conclusion that his neighbors were undocumented, and upon Mr. Wilkins' request, state immigration agents were called in.

Had the app needed more information, it could have also asked any of the following questions:

"Do they listen to foreign music by a man with a deep, operatic voice?"
"Do any of them wear alligator boots, or Mexican pointy boots?"
"Do you ever find items missing from your backyard?"
"Do you see beer bottles scattered around their house?"
"Do you see oil stains in their driveway?"
"Do they hang clothes out to dry in their back yard?"
"Do they wear belt buckles 20 inches in diameter?"

Reaction to Arizona's new iPhone app

The app is being held by Republicans as the most innovative way to deport illegal immigrants in decades, since it puts the power of deportation in the hands of the ordinary citizen.

Fox news commentator Bill O'Reilly called the app "a gift from God", and Radio Commentator Glen Beck is said to have broken down in joyous tears after hearing about the app. Long-time immigrant critic Lou Dobbs reportedly had an orgasm when he heard the news, although that has not been confirmed.

On the other front, immigrant advocacy groups were outraged by the release of the app, calling it a "blatant invasion of privacy and individual rights". They vowed to call for massive demonstrations and to file lawsuits in court.

Weighing in from the campaign trail, President Obama promised immigrants a series of eloquent speeches denouncing Arizona's new app. When asked if he believed a series of speeches was enough to stop Arizona from using the app, he answered: "Absolutely not, but who gives a shit. It's not like they [Hispanics] are going to vote for Romney anyway."

The android version of the app is scheduled for release next month.

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