The day after Cinco de Mayo: the good, the bad, and the French
By ONANTZIN News
2011-05-06
Los Angeles, CA -- Now that the Cinco de Mayo celebrations are over and people are turning to their favored remedy to treat the hangover, we look at some of the things that are happening across the US and the world as a result of yesterday's celebrations.
In California, governor Jerry Brown was happy to announce this morning that the state's budget problems have been fixed, thanks to the money that will be generated by all the DUI tickets issued yesterday.
In Los Angeles, CA, Matin thanked everyone in the office for the Cinco de Mayo gifts, but reminded them that he's Middle Eastern, not Mexican. He also took this time to remind them that his name is Matin, not Martin. He doubts they'll remember and looks forward to next year's Cinco de Mayo gifts.
In Cambridge, Massachusetts, two scientists analyzed data from today and found that the 6th of May is the only day when there are more Gringos than Mexicans who are hung over. Mexicans in several states across the US immediately refuted these findings, and claimed that Mexicans are still drunk this morning and will more than likely still be drunk tomorrow morning as well. They said that in order to get an accurate measure, the analysis would have to include data from May 8th, 9th, and 10th, which are the days when Mexicans will finally stop drinking and start feeling hung over.
In Gainesville, FL, the Johnson family fired their nanny, Gloria Castro, and told their kids that Hispanic heritage month is over. Gloria, who had just been hired May 1st, said she overheard the Johnsons making the racist remarks and has filed a lawsuit against them. She alleges that the Johnsons threatened her with deportation if she brought any trouble to the family, but apologized and offered to re-hire her as the nanny - with an increased salary - when they found out she was a US Resident and was not afraid of their racist, ignorant asses.
In Chicago, IL, former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich - arrested for a DUI the previous night - was bailed out of jail by his wife. Blagojevich swore to his wife that he was wrongfully accused, but had to admit he was indeed drunk-driving when his wife found a drunk prostitute, two small goats, and a dead squirrel in the trunk of his car. Blagojevich said he could explain … his wife is still waiting for the explanation.
In France, the government there declared Sexto de Mayo a national holiday to celebrate their victory over Mexican forces. The French said they are tired of Mexicans claiming victory for their small success on May 5, 1862, when it was they who ultimately won the war, by defeating the Mexican army and installing Emperor Maximilian I as ruler of Mexico in 1864. The news sparked outrage in the Mexican state of Puebla, with the Governor there declaring that the French know where to find them, in case they want to go for round 2. In the US, no one cared; President Obama issued a statement saying that the French are still vaginas for surrendering during World War II.
