Chinese scientists shatter white people's dreams, prove that time travel is not possible
By ONANTZIN News
2011-07-29
Chicago, IL -- In a report released this week, Chinese scientists delivered sobering news to white people when they announced that the white man's dream of colonizing the future through the use of time travel is not possible.
The study, conducted by Professor Shengwang Du and his team at the Hong Kong University of Science and Technology, is the latest in a string of initiatives by the Chinese to secure their dominance of the future.
Professor Shengwang Du, who is not shy about mixing science with politics, released the following statement along with the study's results, "We wanted to make sure the white man understands who owns the future – China. They [white people] don't think we know, but we know; the white man was planning to overtake us in the future through his cleaver use of time travel".
The study measured the speed of photons and found that they do not move faster than the speed of light, but according to general theory, speeds faster than the speed of light are required to move through time. This lead the Chinese team to conclude that the white man is screwed.
Politics aside, the non-white scientific community saw the news as a great contribution to science. White people, on the other hand, responded to the report by denying that their hopes have been crushed. They proposed several time travel alternatives that still remain, including the idea of using the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland to smash shit up and see if it leads to anything.
