The world ends today... maybe
By ONANTZIN News
2011-05-21
Los Angeles, CA -- Apparently, the world is supposed to end today, but so far, the rapture has been very uneventful. The only person missing thus far is Waldo from "Where's Waldo", but people say that he's actually been missing for quite some time - it's speculated that Waldo left since the previous rapture on September, 1994.
According to Harold Camping, the US evangelical Christian broadcaster who made the prediction, about 200 million people will leave in today's rapture, and the rest will stay here and suffer God's mercy (i.e., burn to death). While his prediction has thus far proven to be another major doomsday disappointment, we don't want to cast judgment on Mr Camping too fast, so we've come up with a list of possible explanation as to why nothing has happened yet:
1) Maybe, and just maybe, God did stop by, but no one on this shitty planet was worthy enough for the rapture, including Mr Camping.
2) Perhaps God, being a colored man (Brown), runs on colored people time; That means he'll show up a few days late – and since 1 day for God is 1000 years for us, we'll be waiting for a while.
3) Quite possibly, God did come, but Chuck Norris scared him off before he could take his chosen ones (this is the most likely scenario).
4) It could be that God lost all his rapture savings in a bet, so he can't come through anymore. The bet... let's just say we disappointed him once again with our endless stupidity.
