Confederate flag asked to be buried next to Jim Crow and Uncle Tom

Columbia, South Carolina -- Before being put to death, South Carolina's confederate flag is said to have made a final request to be buried next to its favorite racist, Jim Crow, and its favorite slave, Uncle Tom.

The request came as a surprise, given that in confederate folklore, it is considered bad luck to be buried next to a slave. The reasoning being that the slave could retaliate in the afterlife by telling Jesus how shitty the white man had treated him, thus preventing entry into the eternal kingdom.

The folk story did not seem to bother the confederate flag, however; It argued that Uncle Tom did not pose such a risk, and if he did happen to get out of line in the face of the all-mighty, Jim Crow would be there to keep him in check.

In footage captured by the press, members of South Carolina's Congress can be seen deeply moved by the flag's speech. Some even pointed to the speech in a last-gasp attempt to argue that the confederate flag does not represent racism, for only one with pureness in its heart would be comfortable with the idea of being buried next to a slave.

"It's especially touching that it asked to be buried next to Uncle Tom," stated South Carolina House Rep. Michael Pitts. I'd never be caught dead lying next to a Negro, no matter how much he claimed to love me.

It is yet to be determined if the request will be granted. All in attendance admitted that it could prove difficult to honor the flag by giving it this last wish, especially because no one knows where Uncle Tom is buried and, even more difficult, because Jim Crow is not really dead yet.

Honoring the flag's wish means someone would have to kill the aging Jim Crow just to bury him next to the Confederate flag, and, despite a growing view that he is in his death throes and will only last a few more decades, the challenge is still beyond imaginable at this point.

A handful of South Carolina legislators have been tasked with looking into the feasibility of honoring the flag's request. In all likelihood, all agreed that the flag might have to settle for Uncle Tom and a suitable replacement to Jim Crow, such as Andrew Jackson or any of the former leaders of the KKK.

If none of the already-dead racists are good enough for the flag, the good news is that a Southern racist dies every day and the flag may be persuaded to take one of their fresh corpses filled with racist juices, or a group of them, as a substitute.

The confederate flag also specifically asked for space to be reserved for Bill O'Reilly and Donald Trump, saying that nothing would please it more than to spend eternity next to those two wildly popular racists.

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